you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
