i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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