It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
