but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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