Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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