Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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