I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
