Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
