So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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