If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
