she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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