I will die if light touches me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
