My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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