just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dear god my vagina.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
