Your dad touched me again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
