You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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