i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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