god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
