4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
