Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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