why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
