I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
