There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
