it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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