Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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