Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
