How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
