it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
