Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
