i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
