when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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