Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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