I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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