My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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