Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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