If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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