i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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