At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
