The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
