Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
