Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
