i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
