I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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