I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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