I feel great
I just peed on a car
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
