i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My bed smells like the plague
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
