o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
