I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
