Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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