You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
