my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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