dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
