marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
